Michael Bay diarrhea
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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