ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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