2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
