yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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