I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
