It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
