dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
