If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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