I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
