My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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