Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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