All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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