I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
