Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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