Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
