RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
