Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
