Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
