So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
