So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
