there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
