whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
