My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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