he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
