just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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