I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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