I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
