Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
