Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
