last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
