I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
