Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sext me about skeletons
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
