I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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