I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too