ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.