I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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