whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
