She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
