As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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