I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize