I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
