I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
