12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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