he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
