Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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