i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
