She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
