White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
