dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
