I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
