i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
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At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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