Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
