i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
