Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
