John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize