at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
