Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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