Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
