If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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