im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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