i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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