if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
