You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize