Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
